Getting it ‘Back’ versus Becoming More You – What is the Difference and Where to Start
There’s a phrase so many people utter after betrayal or emotional trauma:
“I just want to get back to who I was.”
It’s an understandable longing. That “before” version of you feels like solid ground - someone who laughed easier, trusted more, someone you actually recognize. But I’ve learned this truth: you’re not meant to go back. You're meant to become more you - not the person shaped by survival or people-pleasing or performance - but the version of you that’s rooted, real, and whole. And you may wonder “Who even IS this person?”
That kind of becoming doesn’t happen overnight. Far from it. Especially when the trauma you’ve carried has lived not just in your thoughts, but in your body – possibly for much of your life.
Betrayal trauma doesn't just steal your peace—it steals your sense of self.
If your nervous system is stuck in overdrive, you may feel like a stranger to yourself. You may be unsure whether you’re overreacting or finally waking up to years of being ignored, minimized, or manipulated. You might now have a body that flinches or freezes even when you're technically “safe.”
Sometimes the very things that helped you survive - over-functioning, pretending, bracing, minimizing, smiling through - are the exact things that are now sitting in your body physically that need to be released in order to return to yourself. That can feel terrifying and foreign.
That’s because the process of becoming more you isn’t just about mindset - it’s a full-body recalibration.
So where do you start?
Not with a drastic reinvention. Not by pushing or punishing yourself. But with tiny acts of reconnection.
Start with noticing:
What helps soften your shoulders just a little?
What makes you breathe little easier?
Who do you feel safe around - not because you’re hyper-vigilant, but because you’re free to be unguarded?
What brings even a flicker of warmth back into your chest?
Let that be the compass.
Through it all, remember:
This process is not linear.
Some days you’ll feel fierce and sure-footed. Other days you may collapse in grief or doubt and wonder if you’re doing it wrong. You’re not. I’ve experienced this in myself and learned to embrace it because it is NORMAL. Some days your strength will look like movement. Other days it will require stillness. Some days it will look like calm, and other days it will look like rage.
Ugly as it can be in the midst of it, the reawakening of parts of you that were silenced for too long is actually you healing.
And as you move through this gentle rebuilding, I offer this mantra - one that’s guided me in my own unwinding:
“Rise in honor of every step away from that which tried to break you.”
You’re not going back.
You’re walking forward -
Not just away from pain,
but toward someone sacred:
You.