The False Victim: How Society Protects Those Who Cause Harm

You know the story. You've lived it, breathed it, tried to escape it. There's a narrative our culture tells itself about broken people and those who love them. Most commonly, it features the misunderstood man with the "crazy ex-wife" (or ex-wives) who just didn't try hard enough, didn't "get" them, or didn't love purely enough. But the same dynamics can play out regardless of gender. Either way, the script is devastatingly consistent: the harmful person becomes the benevolent protagonist in need of rescue, while you—the previous partner—become the cautionary tale, the obstacle that was overcome, the proof that they deserve better. In our embedded patriarchal society, you and others like you are left undefended for dangerously long periods, to your own profound detriment.

You entered believing you were different, special, the one who would finally "get" them. That they "got" you.  You didn't realize you were stepping into a role that had been cast and recast countless times before, with the same devastating script and the same inevitable ending. The only variable was the time it took to get there.  But you know that now.

When Your Empathy Becomes Their Weapon

You understand now how your most noble intentions were weaponized against you. Society teaches us to root for the underdog, to believe in redemption, to champion the wounded soul who just needed the right person to heal them. Meanwhile, you were dismissed as the problem—bitter, vindictive, selfish, lazy, not trying hard enough, and unable to appreciate their complexity. You watched empathy flow toward those who caused you harm while suspicion surrounded you.

You witnessed how each new relationship became their fresh start, a clean slate where charm and charisma could work their magic once again. They appeared refreshed, renewed, ready to love properly this time after being hindered for so long. You, by contrast, when you tried to speak up about your experience, were labeled as the "crazy ex" who couldn't move on, who was trying to sabotage their happiness. You learned that the burden of proof always falls on those with less power, while those with more power benefit from the doubt.

You've seen how charm and charisma are valued over consistency and integrity in our culture. You watched the world become seduced by the performer rather than the person, the promise rather than the pattern. You experienced firsthand how this preference for surface magnetism over true character and substance creates a protective shield around those who know how to manipulate perception—while leaving you to bear the weight of truth-telling in a world that doesn't want to hear it.

You understand what the world refuses to see: people who cause deep harm for their own gain KNOW what they are doing and how to do it. They know exactly which words will hook you, which vulnerabilities to exploit, which moments to withdraw their affection for maximum impact. This isn't accidental damage—it's calculated manipulation. But when you try to explain this deliberate cruelty, you're met with disbelief, as if acknowledging their intentionality would shatter some fundamental belief in human goodness.

Your Body Kept the Score

You know that what happened to your body goes far beyond emotional distress. You felt the constant unpredictability completely rewire your nervous system. Your brain literally reorganized itself around hypervigilance—the amygdala becoming hyperactive while your prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational decision-making (and temporary relief from stress), went offline.

You experienced what's rarely discussed: the cumulative damage. Each cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard didn't just create temporary stress—it created lasting changes in your body and brain. The chronic elevation of stress hormones shortened your telomeres, literally aging you at the cellular level. Your gut microbiome became compromised, affecting everything from mood to immune function. Your circadian rhythms became disrupted in ways that are taking years to restore.

You're living with the chronic inflammation that increases your risk for autoimmune conditions, heart disease, and cancer. You've experienced changes in your brain structure, particularly in areas responsible for memory and emotional regulation. Your body became a living archive of the abuse, storing it in muscle tension, digestive issues, chronic pain, and autoimmune responses that persist long after the relationship ended.

The exhaustion you feel isn't just emotional—it’s cellular. You were constantly having to prove your worth, defend your reality, and manage another person's emotions, so your nervous system never got to rest. Meanwhile, their energy was preserved because they weren't doing the emotional heavy lifting; they were extracting it from you and others like a vampire feeding on life force.

You Became Smaller So They Could Stay Large

You know the toll of trying to regulate someone else's emotional state while having your own reality constantly questioned. You became smaller—speaking less, taking up less space, having fewer opinions. You monitored their mood as a survival mechanism, your entire nervous system calibrated to their image and internal chaos.

You found yourself explaining and defending their behavior to others, becoming their unwitting publicist. You smoothed over their rough edges in conversations, made excuses for their absence at gatherings they deemed beneath them, explained away how they'd abandon you when it suited them while pursuing whatever fed their ego. You rationalized their need to be seen as important, magnetic and benevolent—a carefully crafted image you dutifully supported and promoted. You were so effective at managing their image that when things finally exploded, you had inadvertently set the stage for no one to believe you. Your friends and family, who had only seen the carefully curated version you presented, were shocked by your "sudden" revelations. Instead of support, you faced suspicion—how could someone you'd defended so passionately suddenly be the villain? You realized with devastating clarity that your own words had created a prison. You caught yourself making excuses for treatment you would never accept for a friend. Your body began speaking louder than your mind through unexplained fatigue, illness, and pain. You were literally embodying the trauma while they moved on, often appearing refreshed and renewed to the next victim.

This wasn't weakness—though the world tried to tell you it was. This was the predictable result of prolonged psychological manipulation. Your brain, in its attempt to maintain some sense of safety and connection, adapted to an environment of chronic unpredictability. What looked like "staying too long" or "not seeing the obvious" was actually your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do: survive.

You Deserve More Than Band-Aids

You know the healing process must address the fact that your body has been fundamentally altered. You've heard the "you are not broken" messaging that, while well-intentioned, feels dismissive when you're experiencing real, measurable changes in your body and brain. You've been offered breathing exercises and mindfulness practices that, while helpful, can feel like band-aids for a compound fracture when you're dealing with trauma that has embedded itself in your body for years.

You deserve to understand what has happened to you at the deepest levels—not just the emotional impact, but the cellular disruption, the nervous system rewiring, the ways your body has adapted to survive what was designed to destroy you. While we don't yet have all the answers for reversing years of embodied trauma, understanding the full scope of what you've endured is itself a form of healing. Knowledge becomes power when you can finally name what happened to your body, when you can see the logic in your symptoms, when you realize that your "mysterious" health issues aren't mysterious at all—they're your body's way of telling the story of what you survived.

You need nervous system regulation that involves gradually teaching your system that it's safe to come out of survival mode. This might require somatic therapies, movement practices, or even medical intervention for your severely dysregulated system. You may feel disconnected from your body, requiring a slow rebuilding of the relationship with physical sensations, boundaries, and needs.

You're dealing with disrupted metabolism, blood sugar dysregulation, and nutrient depletion from the chronic stress. Your healing isn't just emotional—it's literally rebuilding your body's foundational systems. You can use your brain's ability to rewire itself in your favor; specific practices can help rebuild neural pathways associated with safety, self-trust, and emotional regulation.

Your Truth Is Revolutionary

What's revolutionary is acknowledging the full scope of what you've endured and recognizing that your healing isn't about returning to who you were—it's about becoming who you're meant to be after integrating this profound disruption to your system. You aren't the same person who entered that relationship, nor should you be.

You carry within your body the evidence of what you've endured and overcome. Your nervous system has been rewired, your cellular structure altered, your brain chemistry changed. These aren't signs of damage to be ashamed of—they're proof of your survival, adaptation, and incredible capacity for resilience.

The cultural narrative that painted you as the problem while protecting those who caused you harm isn't just wrong—it's dangerous. It perpetuates cycles of abuse by ensuring that harmful individuals face no real consequences while you and others like you are revictimized through disbelief and dismissal. You deserve to know that you weren't broken—you were broken down by design, and your healing represents an act of profound courage and reclamation.

Your story isn't a cautionary tale about loving too much or choosing poorly. It's a testament to the human capacity to survive systematic dismantling and rebuild from the cellular level up. That's not just healing—that's transformation. This is your body.  You are believed.  Your experience matters.  That's embodied betrayal healing in its truest form.