When Betrayers Return Seeking Absolution
After betraying you, they write. The letter arrives wrapped in spiritual language, dripping with talk of forgiveness, growth, and moving forward. They've "learned so much." They hope you can "let go of the hate."
What they really want is your silence.
I know this letter. I received one from my former best friend of 40 years shortly after she and my husband deeply betrayed me (with the help of others), and am anticipating that it could happen again after the passing of some time and the release of my book, Embodied Betrayal Healing. Letters were always the language of our friendship. The letter she sent in the aftermath of my destruction quoted: "It's not the snakebite but the venom that will kill you"—implying my unwillingness to immediately forgive was more toxic than her actions. She offered to "help" me through the months ahead, to "be there every step of the way" as I "navigated the murky waters ahead."
The murky waters she helped create.
I see now what this was: an attempt to control the narrative. She was fine with my ex-husband's image being damaged—that ship had sailed. But HER part in it? That needed protecting and watering down. And my silence was essential to that protection.
This is the secondary betrayal: using the language of care, healing, and forgiveness to silence the person they harmed.
This is the secondary betrayal—and it's one of the patterns I explore in my new book, Embodied Betrayal Healing, because understanding these dynamics is crucial to your recovery. And, when not addressed, the impact of betrayal—primary or secondary—can and WILL become physically embedded in your body.
Your Truth Is Not Harm
Let me be clear: Speaking your truth about what happened to you is not "wishing harm" on anyone. It is not vengeance or bitterness. Especially when presented factually and without intent to smear another.
It is necessary for your healing.
When we stay silent about betrayal, we absorb the shame that belongs to our betrayers. We carry their secret. We manage their image. We become complicit in our own erasure.
In Embodied Betrayal Healing, I write extensively about how silence protects our betrayers while keeping us trapped in trauma. The body holds what the mouth won't speak, and that manifests in very real, physical ways.
Your betrayer's discomfort with your truth is not evidence that you're doing something wrong if you are sharing your experience factually. Their discomfort is evidence that the truth has consequences—consequences they'd prefer to avoid.
If speaking honestly about what happened to you damages someone's reputation, the problem isn't your honesty. The problem was in their actions that they should have considered before needlessly harming you.
Forgiveness as a Weapon
Forgiveness can be healing. But when it's demanded of you—especially on someone else's timeline—it becomes a weapon.
The betrayer who shows up talking about forgiveness a year or two later is operating on THEIR timeline, not yours. They're ready to move on.
You're still healing from trauma they inflicted.
Real forgiveness—if and when it comes—is something you offer on your own timeline, for your own reasons. It's not something anyone gets to demand from you. And it doesn't require you to pretend nothing happened or stop telling your truth.
This concept of premature forgiveness is something I address in depth in Embodied Betrayal Healing. The pressure to forgive quickly often compounds the original trauma, adding a layer of shame when your body and mind aren't ready to let go.
Enlightenment Theater
"I've grown so much through this." "I'm a different person now."
Notice how these statements require something from you? They need your validation. Your absolution.
True personal growth doesn't need validation from the person you harmed. If someone has genuinely changed, they can live with the natural consequences of their actions—including your absence and your right to tell your story.
What Genuine Amends Look Like
If you're wondering whether you're being too harsh, consider what genuine amends actually look like.
Genuine amends:
· Center YOUR needs, not theirs
· Accept full responsibility without minimizing or reversing blame
· Don't demand forgiveness or reconciliation
· Respect your boundaries completely
· Accept the consequences of their actions
Absolution-seeking:
· Centers THEIR need for relief from guilt
· Includes justifications or "both sides" language
· Pressures you toward forgiveness
· Violates boundaries
· Seeks to minimize consequences
Trust your gut about which one you received.
How to Respond (Or Not)
Option 1: No Response You owe them nothing. Your silence denies them the closure they seek, and that's okay. Do not engage in defending yourself or arguing the details of what happened – it’s a trap, and they know they are setting it. People with a tendency to betray also tend to be masters at reversing blame onto the victim in order to avoid accountability. (Remember: Your shortcomings and humanity did not cause them to betray - their choice to betray caused them to betray)
Option 2: A Brief Boundary Statement "I do not wish to have contact with you. Do not contact me again."
No explanations. Just a clear boundary.
Option 3: Supportive Disposal Read it once with a trusted friend present, then destroy it.
Whatever you choose, their discomfort with your choice is not your problem to solve.
You Get to Tell Your Story
For a long time, I was silent about what happened to me. I told myself I was "taking the high road." I also had shame around the very people I had deeply loved and rooted for destroying me so deeply for a thrill—wondering if I had invited my own circumstances and missed something defective in myself that deserved this. I had been proud of the relationships I had with the people involved, and had always relayed this to others over the years.
But what I was really doing was protecting them.
When I finally started speaking my truth—honestly, not vengefully—the shame I'd been carrying wasn't mine anymore. The story I'd been protecting wasn't mine to protect. This shift from silence to voice became the foundation of Embodied Betrayal Healing, because I discovered I wasn't alone in experiencing this pattern.
I'm two years out now from when my nightmare began. I'm happy. I've written about the physical impacts of betrayal trauma and the journey back to wholeness. I’ve used my pain and experience to help others, and hopefully brought something good to the world while they are scrambling to look good and blame others for their actions. And I still don't owe my betrayers anything—not my forgiveness, not my friendship, not my silence.
The people who betrayed you will have to live with the fact that you exist, that you have a voice, and that you're allowed to use it.
You speaking your truth is not an attack. It's an act of self-preservation and self-respect. It will ultimately help you survive and grow.
You are not responsible for managing their reputation or their guilt.
You are only responsible for your own healing—and sometimes, that healing requires you to break the silence they desperately wish you'd keep.
If you're navigating your own journey through betrayal trauma and want to understand more about how it lives in your body and how to heal from it, I invite you to check out Embodied Betrayal Healing. You're not alone in this, and your voice matters.